Jonah Hex - Review

Josh Brolin (who I think lost a bet ) stars as Jonah Hex - a former Confederate soldier who turned on his commander, Quintin Turnbull (John Malkovich), and suffered the military leader's wrath.  Forced to watch his family be murdered, and branded on his face so he would always remember the man who did it, Jonah Hex has become a mystical bounty hunter with the ability to speak with the dead.

Now, while everyone previously thought Turnbull died, President Grant (Aidan Quinn), has received information the dastardly evildoer still lives and wants to destroy the U.S. Centennial celebration in Washington, DC.  Showing the wisdom and leadership ability that got him on the $50 bill, Grant realizes only Jonah Hex has the ability and motivation to stop that horrible, good for nothing varmint.   

Then, we have a scene of Jonah Hex riding his horse through the countryside.

Will Jonah Hex be able to defeat Turnbull's plot?

Will he find peace in revenge?

Sometimes, people ask me if they should stick around through the ending credits of a movie for surprises and additional scenes.  For Jonah Hex, I'm not sure you should even stick around after the opening credits.

Jonah Hex is one of those movies that makes you think it was written by a 3rd grader, and not a 3rd grader from the good school district that all of the parents try to move into.  This is a 3rd grader in one of those schools you would see on Dateline NBC.  To call the script and dialogue ineloquent, pointless and rudimentary is offensive to all of those words.  

Then, we have another scene of Jonah Hex riding his horse through the countryside.

Writers Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, along with director Jimmy Hayward, have a movie that isn't campy enough to be funny, isn't compelling enough to be exciting, and isn't emotional enough to be dramatic.  They dance around how Jonah Hex earned the enmity of Turnbull for so long you couldn't care less when the "shocking" story is revealed.  Megan Fox is hanging around for the sole purpose of looking good in an 1800's corset, and doesn't appear in enough of the movie to justify a full paycheck.  Brolin's forced to walk around growling his lines like some alcoholic who has been on a bender and chafes as the sun starts to rise.  This movie is a dull, lifeless, moronic mess  

Then, we have another scene of Jonah Hex riding his horse through the countryside (they dedicate so many scenes to this, you have to wonder if the producers spent a bucket load of cash on the horse and riding lessons for Brolin, so they are trying to get every penny out of it).

When I first saw the trailer for Jonah Hex, I thought it looked kind of cool and debated with my friends, who thought it looked like first class rubbish.  They were right, and I offer them my apologies.







0 Waffles (Out of 4)

Jonah Hex is rated PG-13 for sexual content, intense sequences of action, intense sequences of violence and disturbing images.