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This week on America's Next Top Model we learn that beauty is pain and bitterness and will get you nowhere. And it’s best to be nice to your fans because you never know when one will try to hunt you down and kill you.

How to win the fame game
After elimination, the girls arrive back at the house to an anxious Tyra waiting in their living quarters. Molly is a sourpuss, as usual (enough with the weave, already, and Tyra tells her to get used to it because beauty is pain), but everyone else is happy to see her and school is in session. It seems that each model has her own archetype and Tyra is ready to define. Jaclyn is “girl next door,” duh. Monique is bombshell, Molly is athletic. No real surprises here.

Then they have the “fame talk,” which we think is pretty premature as we don’t see some of these gals really lasting long enough to enjoy it. Nevertheless, Tyra explains that she won’t take a picture when she’s eating but she has agreed to talk to fans on a cell phone. She also helps the girls decide how they will eventually sign their autographs.

Fan vs. stalker—a fine line
It’s time for the public to meet the cast of ANTM Cycle 16, even though, technically, this was filmed months ago and no one had any idea who these girls were at the time. But it’s autograph time, anyway, and the winner of the challenge gets the star treatment and a personal dinner with Miss Jay.

It’s becoming increasingly apparent that Monique is a sore loser. And slightly bitter. According to Kasia she was over the meet-and-greet half way through. Plus, she threw Alexandria under the bus with a freakish fan who wanted to do some lip smacking. Put in an uncomfortable position, Alexandria agreed to kiss his cheek. Later, Miss Jay advises not to do that as it could lead on potential stalkers. If Alexandria lead that boy on in any way we missed it. Kasia kept it “modely” and was engaging so she scores the big win. Kasia picks Jaclyn and Brittani to join her and Miss Jay makes the rest of the girls stay behind and clean up the “fan mess.”

The winners go to Rock Sugar in a VIP area—which truly did look a little boring. But when they returned home Monique was still bitter and ugly. How can someone who shares a room with perky Jaclyn be so down?

Here’s mud in your eye—and other orifices
For the photo shoot this week the models were wearing very little. Four blondes and four brunettes had a photo-off wearing little more than mud, so each girl had to shine individually. The rub here is that all of the blondes received a “best photo” and the brunettes were sorely lacking. But we figure that means they’re just “due.”

During the shot, Molly and Hannah connect and really stand out and Alexandria provides zero energy. To top it off, when Mr. Jay asks Kasia to wrap her arm around Molly’s neck, just a second later Alexandria tries to move it. He asks why she’s trying to direct the shoot and she denies it. But that could be it for her.

The brunettes, rather than look sexy, at first appeared more like a family portrait of cave women. In the middle of the shoot, Brit hit an awesome pose and the photographer, Jonathan Mannion, had to stop and do an individual shot of her—way to make the others feel inferior... But for some reason this was never mentioned at panel.

So many fashion “don’ts” at panel
At panel we try to concentrate on the contestants but we are blinded by the hideousness that is Tyra’s outfit of choice—a frighteningly jail cell colored, tight-fitting jump suit that we just can’t manage to wrap our minds around. But she looks good—and let’s face it—very few would in that getup. Oh, and finally, someone besides us recognizes the freakishness of Alexandria’s outfits every week at panel. Maybe it’s because the shorty shorts were white this week and stood out a little more than usual…or maybe it was the weird bonnet.

Sonia Dara is the guest panelist and we didn’t hear much out of her. As it turns out, the brunettes ended up with a more "editorial" photo. And then the blondes are critiqued. Nigel points out that Molly has a weak left eye and we’re shocked that we’ve missed it. Note to self: watch for Molly’s weird eye next week. Kasia is the standout of all the blondes. Guess it’s really her night!

But top photo for the night ends up going to Brittani. Kasia gets runner up and a hideous reminder that you can’t win everything. Monique and Mikeala end up in the bottom two. Mikeala can’t grip the handlebars of fierceness, especially in a group shot. Then there’s Monique, who the judges can’t really judge because they can’t seem to get to know her. She rides the easy, middle road and doesn’t get noticed. But that’s not a good way to go in a modeling contest so Monique is sent packing. Maybe they could sense her bitterness, we sure could this week.

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Things get pretty wild this week on America's Next Top Model as the girls try to avoid Alexandria because they hate her—but she just figures that nobody “gets her.” Molly continues to cough up hairballs over her giant, Medusa-like weave. And apparently none of the current contestants have watched previous Cccles because they clearly don’t know what kind of cat fight can break out if you get caught peeking into someone’s diary.

Time to get catty
This week’s challenge involves creating a “Get the Look” online video. The girls are split into three teams of three—each will talk about CoverGirl products in their own way and one will be the writer, one the director and the other the “talent.” They have an hour to put together their one minute presentation—and it better be good! It’ll go live online for the entire World Wide Web to see.

Team three must portray “Day Casual” and consists of Molly, Alexandria and Monique. Naturally, the claws come out. Alexandria is supposed to be the talent, but she takes over and won’t let the others do what they need to do to get their job done. They spend most of the prep time fighting. Alexandria feels the pressure and gets stressed. But during the shoot, Jay is impressed with Monique’s easy presence and how she handled the difficult “talent.”

Team two must discuss “Colorful Eyes” and is made up of Dayla, Jaclyn and Hannah. Dayla is uncomfortable in front of the camera and the team comes off as unorganized. It’s too bad that Dayla pulled the “talent” card because the cat’s out of the bag that the girl isn’t so good with the putting the words together on camera, as she proved last week in the commercial.

Team one is “Red Carpet” and Kasia, Brittani and Mikaela are the team. Since they have just 10 minutes to get the perfect take the pressure is on. Mikaela is lovely but continually drops the f-bomb throughout the filming. Awkward with the hot mic! But they pull it off and end up winning the challenge, at which time Mikaela shouted, “We won the challenge? No #*&%! way!”

A snooping cat-astrophe
Back at the house, Alexandria phones her boyfriend at home and confesses that she is having a difficult time. Then she finally opens up about how after her parents split up she had to take care of her younger siblings—so that’s why she has this controlling thing. But how do you explain the bitchiness, then? During her call the girls take part in a particularly evil Let’s Bash Alexandria session. Monique gets the idea to peek into the girl’s diary, just to see what she thinks about the rest of them. They don’t discover anything really cruel that she wrote but they do learn that Alexandria feels like an outsider and misunderstood. We say, nothing good ever comes from reading someone’s diary. Uh…girls…you know you’re on camera, right? We have a feeling this one is coming back to bite someone eventually.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty
The girls head to the old L.A. zoo for their photo shoot this week. They’re wearing pieces from Rachel Zoe’s faux fur collection and they’d better wear it well because RZ will be guest judging at panel. As a special bonus (for some) Murato, the baby jaguar, will be posing with the girls and he is adorable but a little on the spunky side. Some of the girls are really comfortable with the frisky feline but others, like Kasia and Dayla struggle with the kitty.

Who’s the cat’s meow and who’s in the litter box?
We must kick off the panel part of our recap with a fantastic Tyraism for the evening: "You need to grab onto the handlebars of fierceness and don’t let go." So true, Miz Banks, varooooom! And we wonder why Alexandria insists on wearing Daisy Duke shorts to panel every week, but we digress.

Some of the girls surprise with great photos, despite having a difficult time at the shoot. Hands down, Hannah wins photo of the week. Her shot was extraordinary and worthy of a layout in Vogue any day. Brit gets runner-up, she just continues to impress. And we’re seriously contemplating bangs after watching her week-to-week. Alexandria is in the middle of the pack and when her name is called you can see the mood in the room drop immediately.

Molly and Dayla end up at the bottom two. True, Molly has had some hair-raising issues, but this week her film was vacant. Dayla came into this contest with more experience than most but Tyra thinks that she might want it so much that the desperation is making her over-analyze. Dear God, we can’t have thinking in this thing! So sadly, they send Dayla home with a pat on the behind and a pep talk about not doubting herself.

Posted by Jill at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

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The kids try their hand at songwriting on Glee, and at first, things don't go so great. But fortunately, Quinn is back to her old queen-bee ways, which makes Rachel miserable and gives her the inspiration for a ballad that's not about being an only child or wearing a headband. So Quinn, even though you're frustrating the hell out of us at the moment: Thank you.

We tackle the original songs (from "Troutymouth" to "Loser Like Me"), applaud Kurt for finally calling the Warblers on being "Blaine and the Pips," cheer the epic kiss (squeeee!), wonder how Sue will dodge an assault charge, and critique the performance outfits -- which, I'll warn you, leads to a discussion on American Girl Dolls and Barbies. Look, these things happen.

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A real hot mess
It’s runway time again, folks, and this time the ladies will be wearing goods from the Geoffrey Mac collection. The dude designs for the likes of Lady Gaga (is he responsible for that hideous Egg thing?) but we see nothing garish like Gaga in the gorgeous designs he brings to set. As usual, this ain’t gonna be your typical just walk down the runway kind of show. The girls will walk on a runway that is lapping with flames. And flames will also shoot out of the sides of the stage. Then, to top it all off, the girls will have their hands set on fire as they walk down the runway.

And they’d better do a darn good job. The winner gets two dresses from the Geoffrey Mac 2011 collection. A stunt coordinator is brought in to make sure everyone flames up without incident. Most of the girls do really well with the exception of Sara who had some issues with setting herself on fire. Who wouldn’t? Alexandria, Brittani and Dalya all do really well but—the winner is Dalya. Then to add insult to injury, Miss J makes the three bottom girls walk home…really. He’s mean. No wonder he doesn’t get to sit at panel anymore.

Hot, sexy coffee
The next day the girls are off to shoot their first commercial of the Cycle. They’re instructed to do a little ad for Fierce Roast Coffee. Cute as a button Francesco Carrozzini is the photographer and director and frankly, we’d do anything he told us to. The set is vintage-great and the models look adorable with their Mad Men get-ups. They are paired off to film and some of them found it easier to sex it up than others. Then there are a choice few who just don’t have any acting skills. But heck—it’s hard to make coffee sexy.

Who prevailed and who failed?
At the dreaded panel Francesco Carrozzini is in the guest hot seat. Between Francesco, Nigel, and Sara (aka all the hot men in the room), we find it hard to concentrate on the proceedings at all. They play each commercial and most are simply cringe-worthy. It’s clear that several of the models even have a difficult time watching themselves. Hannah and Monique came off pretty well but could have pushed it more. Jaclyn and Kasia took every little moment and made it work. Alexandria and Brittani did not act as a team. Brittani was drab and Alexandria was over-the-top. Francesco also pointed out that Alexandria attempted to take over, and if she were at a real commercial shoot the director would have told her to get out. Hmm…what was that we mentioned earlier about learning lessons?

In the end, the best commercial goes to Kasia who the judges declare may have given the best performance of any ANTM commercial ever. Hannah gets runner up. Brittani narrowly escapes the bottom two and is the third to the last to be called. She breaks into tears as per usual. Get it together, sister!

Alexandria and Sara end up at the bottom two, and much to everyone’s chagrin, Alexandria gets to stay. Tyra tells her that this is her last warning with regard to her attitude. Next time she’ll just go home. We think that she’s already received enough wagging of the finger and they should have given her a proper boot out the door. This is how Naomi Campbells are born. Sara departs and considers auditioning for some Old Spice and Irish Spring commercials when she gets home.

With only nine contestants left in Cycle 16 it’s becoming clear who is the real competition and who is just hanging on by a thread. At this point, who do you think has the best chance of winning it all? Tell us in the comments.

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We've become so numb to Schue's constant chirping about getting ready for regionals, that we were utterly shocked when the event actually arrived. It just seemed like this hazy event at some undetermined point in the future, like the apocalypse or when the Cubs win the World Series.

Just kidding, that second one is totally never going to happen.

So that left us with about five seconds to get properly revved up for regionals and excited about song choices, when we remembered that the gleeks were writing their own music, and heaven forgive us, we just stopped caring. We can't sing along with songs we don't know, Ryan Murphy!

It's always the time for a weird Warblers segue
We started with yet another awkward Warblers-getting-ready-for-regionals-introduction-through-song, and frankly, we don't care how good they sound anymore. In an episode already jam-packed with music, so much so that plot development was almost annoyingly slim, we really don't need another useless Blaine show. But we guess that was kind of Kurt's point, wasn't it?

Read on for Rachel's writing chops!

Presto chango
Big changes start happening for both the Warblers and New Directions. Pavarotti sings his last little song and Blaine realizes that he's got it bad for Kurt (Blast! We thought he was getting inspired by the ensemble to suggest a Johnny Cash number), and entreats the committee to choose a duet for regionals, which he'll sing with Kurt. Really, he just wants to make out with him in the library. Hot.

Meanwhile, Quinn is plotting to remove the Rachel thorn from Finn's side by befriending and distracting her with writing music for regionals. We're a little disappointed that Rachel still isn't getting that music shouldn't be about her specific, unrelatable personal problems (and that she's giving only children a bad rap), but at least she has the sense to figure out what Quinn is doing. And, heinous and shallow though her intentions may be, Quinn kind of has a point. Some people are meant for small-town America and some aren't, and waiting around for your high school crush when you have different goals is foolish and wasteful. So "Scary Quinn" also happens to be wise Quinn in this episode.

Well, what did you expect?
Since there was precious little plot development in this episode, let's talk about the music. In the already-been-produced area, Kurt's "Blackbird" was lovely and simple. It would have been great to have Puck or Sam around to bypass a cassette tape instrumental, but we can see why Blaine would start falling for Kurt with this song. Their duet at regionals was cute, but it didn't blow us away. We were much more pleased with "Raise Your Glass." There is something deliciously perverse about prep school boys in blazers singing about being "dirty little freaks." Plus, Blaine got to bounce around in awesome Blaine form and made us forgive him for being the constant center of attention.

Call us haters, nay-sayers, what you will, but we weren't as impressed with the Gleeks' original stuff, with maybe one exception...

Naturally, the first few attempts were comic relief and personal foils, particularly "Trouty Mouth," which just made us wish we could go back to making fun of Sam's nerd traits and Bieber hair. "Hell To The No" was far more amusing, partially because it was actually a decent song and also because we never knew one could write more than one verse about a catch phrase. Also, the Wheaties/diabetes rhyme was nothing short of awe-inspiring.

Time for the Barbra moment
Rachel's final draft at regionals was very...Rachel-y. Yes, it sounded great and yes, Rach sang the hell out of it, but we didn't find it particularly memorable like "Don't Rain On My Parade" was. Also, we couldn't stop wincing at how atrociously uncomfortable those dresses looked, though we award bonus points for the Doc Martens.

"Loser Like Me," while essentially being the show's celebration of itself, was much more fun. It popped more, and if we knew the lyrics we probably would have been singing along. That line about getting you back when I'm your boss was hysterical, cathartic, and often true in real life (not about the boss thing, but the more successful thing. At least that's what we keep telling ourselves). But where the Gleeks exhausted themselves on song development, they fell apart in choreography. And you can't possibly expect us to believe Brittany contributed to verse writing -- that girl should have been given the corner to work out some badass steps.

Whatever the drawbacks of writing original music, it seemed to work out this time and New Directions finally took first at something. New York, here we come.

What did you guys think? Did you like the original music? Do you like Kurt and Blaine together? Is Quinn right about Rachel? Were you equally incensed by that ridiculous "sweat lodge" Holly absence cover-up? To the comments!

Notes n' Quotes

Kurt: Sometimes I feel like we're not the Warblers. Sometimes I feel like we're Blaine and the Pips.

Rachel: I'm perfectly capable of accessing my pain, I cry every time I sing a solo.

Quinn: How damaged does a guy have to be to be into someone as annoying as Rachel?

Warbler: This is a kangaroo court!

Sue: Well, well. If it isn't Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Fake Boobs.

Blaine: I think Pavarotti would roll over in his tiny, tiny little grave.

Finn: Whoa! Scary Quinn!

Kurt: I'm impressed! You're usually so Top 40.

Schue: What's your favorite song of all time?
Brittany: "My Headband"
Puck: Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On."
Zizes: Puckerman, you're on a roll.

Mercedes: What are you doing??
Sue: Throwing sticks at your head. I'm going to crush you at regionals.

Sue: The drummer I slept with was that guy from Jimmy Eat World.
(Awwww, remember Jimmy Eat World?)

Tammy Jean: Before we start, I would like to say I am not a witch.

Sister Mary Constance: The convent was the only place I knew I could stay off the pole.

Sister Mary Constance: Is that Dalton school a gay school or does it just appear gay?

Tammy Jean: I didn't go around singing that I was a loser. I twittered that Obama was a terrorist.
Sister Mary Constance: Oh no, you di'nt!
Tammy Jean: I had to. It's true.

WASPy presenter: My husband is verbally abusive and I have been drinking since noon.

Blaine: It reminds you of your mom's funeral, doesn't it?
Kurt: The casket was bigger.

Final Thoughts

• What does that Cease and Desist order from My Chemical Romance remind you of? This episode is so meta. Also, Sue would never sleep with one of those emo kids. We guess Jimmy Eat World is more believable.
• Do we think Ryan Murphy opted for original music because so many critics of Glee referred to it as "glorified karaoke"? Just a thought.
• Putting Brittany in street clothes is one of the best decisions this show ever made.
• Loretta Devine was so amazing, she put Kathy Griffin to shame. But then, we guess it's not Griffin's fault that Devine got a better role.
• Rachel finally delivered a tearful speech that didn't make us want to punch her in the face. Adorably well done.

  Posted by Lindsey Reiser at 9:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

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We had some problems with this episode of Glee. Lindsey hated that Rachel seems to have forgotten that she railed against the chastity club in the first season. Janine despises Gwyneth's character. And me? I'm despairing that this ep made me use the phrase "kids today" without irony or sarcasm. You're making me old, show!

But that just meant there was plenty to talk about. We gab about sex ed, appropriate vs. inappropriate musical choices, what's wrong with Emma, why the chastity club storyline really didn't work for us, why John Stamos (briefly) lost his allure, and who was the only adult worth listening to on the entire show. Plus discover why Blaine's test audience may not have been as impartial as he hoped (and thanks, Lindsey, for THAT mental image.)

Listen to our Glee podcast for "Sexy" and tell us what you think in the comments!

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It’s our favorite episode on America's Next Top Model this week. You know it, it’s makeover time! And in order to really ramp up the drama Tyra gives the girls a little hint about what MAY be to come via a canvas painted with potential styles like Dutch boy, Big, Gurly & Curly, Kinky Red & Wild, Extreme Angled Bob, Manly and many others. Naturally, they instantly start obsessing about which new look they think they are going to get.

So many hissyfits, so little time
After what we figure is a restless night of sleep, the models arrive the next day at Privé Salon in Hollywood where they are met by the Jays. Miss J, sports a new messy look that screams, “Give me a makeover too, Laurent D!” The girls are told that they will be whisked off to a photo shoot directly following the makeovers. They should have started handing out the tissues at that point.

Brittani goes short, black and with bangs. She is fully trusting that Tyra will make her look stand-out, awesome. And she does. Jacklyn gets even curlier but looks exactly the same. Monique gets extensions. They get rid of Sara’s nasty rat tail and give her a manly, more androgynous look and she definitely pops a bit more now. Still, she’s not too happy. Alexandria receives extensions and the know-it-all tries to tell the hairdresser how to do her job and then actually cries in the process. If she’s this much of a diva as a nobody we’re really afraid of what she will become if she wins this thing.

Dominique gets a kinky red do and freaks out at first but Jay reminds her that she needs to take chances. Mikaela gets long, straight, black extensions and Dalya gets the same. Kasia goes big, blonde and crimped and Hannah goes a little lighter. Molly gets a massive weave of blonde curls and even Laurent D. thinks that it looks weird so the plan is to fix it for the shoot and correct it later. Jay tells her to own it and she manages to until the ride home where she makes a boo boo face and starts in with a complaining, cursing tirade that goes on for days. Of course, Alexandria tells her that she let them do it so it’s really all her own fault. Darn it, why aren’t we all as smart as Alexandria?

Work the cranky
The newly made over contestants head to the Orcutt Estate Ranch where they are told that they will be posing in groups. Let the serious competition begin. Kasia and the still-cranky Molly are paired up and Molly overcomes her makeover ordeal to work the shoot. Monique and Alexandria are up next and Alexandria manages to rub the hairdresser, the photographer and pretty much anyone who gets near her, the wrong way. But Monique lets that get to her and it shows in the shoot. Mikaela and Sara pose together but neither of them have any idea about how to work with each other, and it shows. Brittani and Hannah are awkward and it could be Brit’s Dr. Seuss-inspired hat. Dalya, Jacklyn and Dominique go for the three-shot but Dominique might as well have not shown up.

Bitchy wins out over brainless
Stylist, Lori Goldstein, joins the panel this week and it’s always good for someone who was actually at the shoot to get to speak up about the models. Monique and Alexandria get good comments on their photo but Lori reveals just how cranky Alexandria was. And, she tells her, nobody has time for that. We love it when Nigel tells her that she can’t afford to be a diva at this point. Brittani and Hannah get rave reviews. Dalya, Jacklyn and Dominique look good but Dominique gets a thumbs down for being uninspired. Kasia and Molly get nothing but love.

The judges agree that Dominique is not the “brightest spark.” And Nigel is disgusted and vocal about Alexandria’s ‘tude. Yet, somehow she gets best picture…with a warning. They won’t tolerate a bad attitude on set. But then they give her best photo? Mixed messages, anyone? Molly gets runner-up and a guarantee that she’ll have her weave redone ASAP. Sara and Dominique end up at the bottom two and it’s really no surprise after they both struggled so much on set. In the end Tyra sends Dominique home to find some inspiration.

Posted by Jill at 12:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hola, clase! You guys up for celebrating some abstinence on Glee? Neither are we.

Hey Ryan Murphy, you know Easter is right around the corner...
...so why not have Brittany wait around for the Easter Bunny, too? Because frankly, there's no idiot belief you wouldn't have that girl invested in. Not that we didn't love the gossip montage following Brit's confession, and yes, it was a catalyst for the whole episode, but you've got some creative writers. They could have come up with something.

In any case, Schue is appalled by his students' lack of sexual understanding, so he enlists the recently re-hired Holly Holiday (it's sex ed this time, with some Spanish thrown in for good measure) to help educate the gleeks.

Read on for sexual identity crises and afternoon delight.

Tango: Holly
Holiday stops by the practice room to shake things up and educate the horny young students, which she does with leather leggings and Joan Jett. All we can say is we want Brittany's hair. Her body wouldn't hurt either. Also, we agree with Schue. It is "too much."

Say what you like about Holiday's tactics, they seem to be working. The students are seeking her out for advice and generally getting the right answers. Typically, you'll get those in spades from folks who have learned things the hard way, and Holly certainly has -- a secret that she doesn't keep from an interested Will Schuester. The two turn up the heat rehearsing Will's Prince tango (some awkward footwork there, but hey, the tango is hard and Will's falsetto was EPIC) and Holly has Will wanting more. Unfortunately Holiday is "damaged goods" and won't give into the missing Partridge Family member.

Well, Afternoon Delight, could involve dessert...
Meanwhile, the Celibacy Club is still alive and kicking, being led by everyone's favorite virgin Emma Pillsbury (oh, come on, it's not like you'd pick Rachel), and populated solely by Rachel and Quinn. Though we've had several episodes where Rachel is "over Finn," she still can't seem to find an emotional foothold and is using the club to vent her bitter anti-man feelings. Quinn is just using it as a cover for her clandestine pillow talk with Finn.

Emma is fighting Holly's free-wheeling lesson plan tooth and nail, and comes up with her own performance to sway the kids back to Abstinence Avenue. She enlists Carl and Puck to join the club for a Brady Bunch-style rendition of "Afternoon Delight," which Emma seems to think is about some kind of pastry. Cue Carl begging the temporary sex ed guru for some much needed help. In their session we discover that Emma is still a virgin (shocking!) and she may still have feelings for Will. Carl has the most understanding, non-accusatory reaction a human being could have, and we fall in love with Uncle Jesse a little bit more.

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
We can't have a high school program episode about sex without some serious identity confusion. Puberty sucks, you guys, and the emotional hangover is even worse -- something that Murphy et al. never lets us forget.

Kurt is having problems embracing his sexual side after the Warblers perform "Animal." We thought this performance was more adorable than sexy -- a private school girl is not a reliable barometer, they'll get excited over the one male teacher amongst the nuns even if he's 75 or has an arm growing out of his head. Kurt's obstinate silence on sex leads Blaine to confront Burt about having "the talk," and Burt follows through beautifully. He can't talk about the intricacies of gay sex, obviously, so he shares his emotional insight, which is actually much more important in the long run. So kudos, Burt!

Brittany and Santana are also navigating rocky waters. Brittany wants to talk about their make-out sessions and Santana wants to do anything but, but she agrees to talk to Holiday about their relationship. The result is a very touching rendition of "Landslide" (unfortunately the Dixie Chicks version, but that works better with the glee club format anyway), and a confession of love from Santana. But Brittany has still got it for her man Artie, and can't just leave him for her best friend. Rejection hurts, especially if you're as hot as Santana.

What did you guys think? Is Glee taking a realistic approach to teenage sex? After booze and sex, do think next week will be about more illicit indulgences (read: pot)? Where is Santana finding all these leather fringe ensembles? Will Glee actually keep Gwynnie around? Won't GOOP suffer? To the comments!

Notes n' Quotes
Emma: I am very inspired how both of you are showing that celibacy is a viable option for teenagers who simply aren't ready for intimacy, or those of us who are older and terrified of the hose monster.

Will: I thought you wanted the chastity charms to catch on!
Emma: I did until I realized they were wearing the chastity charms as clip-on nipple rings.

Finn: Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS?
Mercedes: Seriously, because i just had some on my salad...

Holly: I'm off to have craaaazy sex because I am craaaaaazy informed about it!

Zizes: Congratulations! You didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo!

Holly: Its just like hugging, only wetter.
Artie: YEAH it is!

Brittany: I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Holly: While I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I admire your choice.

Holly: Just remember, when you have sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've had sex with. And eeeeeeverybody's got a random.

Sue: Just picking up some coffee, I like my enemas piping hot.

Zizes: Puckerman, it's your lucky day.
Puck: You're finally gonna let me motorboat those twins?

Brittany: This relationship is confusing for me
Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.

Holly: These things never work out well -- my sex tape with J.D. Saligner was a disaster.

Santana: I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.

Kurt: I think about how they all have mothers, and what would their mothers think, and why would you get a tattoo there??

Kurt: Soooo, you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
Burt: I think on you're 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself.

Holly: My lips are sealed. Just like you legs.

Santana: Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert, I just can't.
Brittany: I understand.

Puck: Once on a dare, I swallowed a thumbtack and I'm 90 percent sure it's still in there.

Holly: Apparently my cucumber demonstration made it impossible to watch Veggie Tales the same way again. I thought it made watching that show hilARious.

Final Thoughts

• Isn't it a little inappropriate that a member of staff is leading the celibacy club? Personally, we wouldn't want some teacher telling out kids to have or not have sex.
  
• Why is Rachel in this club? She was the one that got the original members all riled up about getting down in season one. Whither the Spring Awakening?
  
• Also, that was one spectacularly bitchy comment to Santana. We know you guys don't get along, but we expected more from a girl with two dads.
  
• Puck is making comments about harmonic balance. He has been in glee club too long.

  Posted by Lindsey Reiser at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

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Gossip Girl leaves us with a whole bunch of cliffhangers before it goes on spring break: Will Lily really go to jail? What's Billy Baldwin doing back in the picture? How furious will Chuck be when he discovers Blair kissed Dan? Actually, how furious are we that Blair kissed Dan? (answer: Pretty damn furious on my part, not terribly peevish on Lindsey and Janine's part.) Also, Janine vents some spleen at men who decide they need space after sex, we all diss Ben's powers of intimidation, and Lindsey lets slip an intriguing fact about her past...

Listen to our Gossip Girl podcast for "Empire of the Son" and tell us what you think in the comments!

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Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!

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One Tree Hill manages to frustrate the hell out of us just before jumping into the hiatus. Not only does it diss one of Darcel's favorite shows (and they will RUE THE DAY!), but Haley hits us with far too many pregnancy drills, Chase and random new guy poke fun at a nine-year-old in glasses, Chloe shows up unannounced inside Brooke and Julian's house, and Millie takes the words right out of Mouth's, well, mouth. Then they leave us with not one but two moms-to-be going into labor... for approximately eight weeks. Ouch!

Listen to our One Tree Hill podcast for "The Smoker You Drink, The Player You Get" and tell us what you think in the comments!

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It's a boy!

That's right, after years of being the sole Kent namesake, Lex 2.0, 3.0, or whatever version he is now, has been semi-adopted by Lois and Clark. Alexander has renounced his name and been given the moniker Connor Kent. And the amnesiac teen will be attending Smallville High like his older brother. Does anyone else see this as a very bad idea? Ummm, what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, right...Duh!

It would seem that the Smallville creators have gotten romantic interludes out of their system now that Ollie and Chloe are gone, which means we're back to the task at hand. Lex, Lionel and the Darkness. Unfortunately, to get to all of it, we have to suffer through an Apollo/Rocky aka The Karate Kid meets Pat Morita episode to get there.

You see, Lionel still is in pursuit of the Lex Tess saved months ago, but Tess is doing a bang-up job in hiding him on the Kent farm of all places. Ummm, yeah...like NO ONE has thought to look there? After all this time, isn't that the first place anyone would look? Really.

Tess realizes that the growing teen needs some male guidance with his new powers, so she begs Clark to step up, which being the Boy Scout he is, he does. And while Clark wants to go slow on teaching Lex to control his new powers, puberty and Luthor genes keep getting in the way...that and the pesky desire to know where he comes from. But Tess and Clark try to keep the truth at bay for as long as they can. Tess even goes to Lois for help to destroy Lionel once and for all. The two women do what they set out for, but not before Lionel reveals his identity to Lex and Lex's innate tendency to evil a la a red kryptonite ring.

Lex sports the jewelry and his hormones go into overdrive with Lois at his center of attention. Lex saves her from being shot by Lionel, but then the teen takes his future sister-in-law away to some hovel to propose his undying need to protect her and have her. Never mind the fact that Lois is like 15+ years older than he is. Or the fact that no one wants to be serenaded in a wet, condemned home with thousands of candles surrounding them. Your argument will never be good enough in such an environment. It's about ambiance, people!!!

We digress. Long story short, Clark runs to the rescue by shattering the red ring on Connor's hand and Connor, seeing how vicious his real dad is, chooses Clark's righteous path. Huzzah! Even better, Tess catches other-world Lionel in a lie of his own doing. The fingerprints on Tess' birth certificate do not match those of other world Lionel, thus proving he is a fake and must renounce all his worldly possessions back to Tess. Why she just won't kill Lionel, we don't know...we wish someone would, because we can't take anymore sexist drivel from his mouth. At least stab him in the chest with a letter opener. The dude is always in the office brooding about something -- it'd be so easy!

With everything wrapped up as neatly as expected for sweeps, we're left to stew for the next month with this parting image: The Dark Lord sneaking up on Lionel at Lex's grave. Lionel is cowering, after her confesses he'd do anything to get his Lex back. So that leaves us with one of two options here. Either Lex will be resurrected with the Darkness inside him or Lionel will become the host. What do you think?

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"What do you mean, you haven't seen 'The Thing'? What's WRONG with you boys?"

Supernatural channels John Carpenter with this tale of six people trapped in an isolated place and menaced by a, well, Thing that can invade a person's body and make him do terrible things. This is a new monster that Eve, the Mother of All created, so now we know she had access to Netflix while in purgatory. At least she's getting inspired by the good stuff!

The set-up
Something has been inspiring monsters along the I-80 corridor ("nest of vamps, werewolf dance party, shifters...ghouls, ghouls, ghoul/wraith smorgasbord...") and Bobby and the boys figure it's all leading to someplace in Ohio. (Or possibly Pennsylvania -- we didn't get that great a view of the map.) That's because the Mother of All, who calls herself Eve, has been hitchhiking with friendly, god-fearing truckers, who then go home to bludgeon their families to death with a hammer. Whee!

Bobby and the boys aren't alone -- not only has Rufus followed the signs, but Grandpa Campbell and Gwen are also checking out the cannery where the last kills took place. Dean is miffed to see Gramps -- he did sell the boys out to Crowley last time they met -- but we didn't think he had anything against Gwen, particularly. So why did he shoot her in the head, then disappear?

All is explained after the jump!

When worms attack
Blame that on the "12-inch herpe" that just crawled out of Dean's ear. Yep, it's Eve's little monster wreaking havoc. And since Herp can crawl into anyone's ear and turn him against his fellows, Bobby convinces everyone to turn over all their guns so they can watch each other with limited ability to shoot each other. Small problem, which Rufus identifies after the fact: "It was a good plan -- except for the part where a monster would definitely, definitely not give up all its weapons." Which Gramps didn't, and Herp makes him take a shot at Dean.

Now is the time on Supernatural when we dance descend into paranoia and accusation. Herp-ridden Gramps has booby-trapped the place, and manages to separate Sam from the rest of the guys. He thinks re-souled Sam won't shoot him. He's wrong.

Now that Sam's killed Gramps, he's the next likely host for Herp, but Sam claims he's clean, and that Herp is still in Gramps. Fortunately, Bobby's got a cranial saw in his car (doesn't everyone?) so they can take a look. Unfortunately, Gramps comes back to life when they try to open his skull. Lucky for us, Bobby likes to dumpster-dive for his equipment, and Herp-ridden Gramps electrocutes himself on the frayed cord of the cranial saw, which causes Herp to flee. Aw, look at that -- Eve even gave Herp The Thing's antipathy for shocks!

It's going to end bloody
So Herp is now out of Gramps, but no one knows where it went. The boys have the bright idea to shock everyone with the frayed cord to drive Herp out, which makes us think they've been watching "Jackass" in addition to classic horror flicks. Sam, Dean and Rufus take their shocks, but when it comes time to zap Bobby, he buries his knife in Rufus' chest. Guess we've found Herp's new ride!

The boys overpower Bobby and duct-tape him up, then set about questioning Herp, who's happy to talk. He tells them that (1) He's a brand-new monster, (2) Eve plans to create a whole bunch of new and revived beasties, and (3) "You're all going to die. She's pissed, she's here and it's gonna be nothing but pain for you from here on in." Lovely. Oh, and the only way they can kill it is to kill Bobby -- and they don't want to do that, now do they?

Apparently the boys are made of sterner stuff than we thought, because they tape up all of Bobby's visible orifices and shock him until Herp falls out of his ear, flambeed. The show tries to fake us out with Bobby being dead, then cutting to the boys standing by a grave, but of course he survived -- we'd have led the mob calling for Gamble's head if she'd had Bobby die by Invasion of the Herpes Thing Knock-offs. The grave is Rufus', alas, and we'll miss the old cuss. No one could mock Bobby quite as well. Rest in peace, Rufus.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Seriously, if you haven't seen "The Thing," go rent it. It's incredibly creepy. And, as a bonus, the movie can afford effects that our show can't, so instead of an anonymous worm, you get scenes involving ambulatory heads, mutating dogs, and Wilfred Brimley going nuts. It's good stuff.

We learn a little bit of the Rufus/Bobby backstory -- Rufus saved Bobby from his possessed wife, then took him under his wing and taught him about hunting. Unfortunately, something went horribly wrong in Omaha, someone died, and Rufus has never forgiven bobby. What happened? We doubt we'll ever know.

That does prompt a nice bit from Dean at the end, when he tells Sam and Bobby that they can't hold grudges:
Dean: At the end of the day, you two are family. Life's short - ours are shorter than most. We're going to spend it wringing our hands? Something's going to get us, eventually. When my guts get ripped out, just so you two know, we're good. Blanket apology for all the crap anybody's done, all the way around.
Sam: Some of us pulled a lot of crap, Dean.
Dean: Well, clean slate.

We notice that Dean didn't plan to extend that courtesy to Gramps. In the previouslys, we see Dean tell Gramps that the next time he saw him, it would be to kill him. When he spies Gramps, Dean pulls out his gun and runs for Gramps, saying "Welcome to next time."

Dean also describes the monster as "a Khan worm on steroids." Khaaaaaaaaaaan!

Sam discovers Gramps on his own:
Gramps: You're not going to shoot me -- you got your soul back. You gonna shoot your own family?
Sam: Yeah, I wouldn't go with the family thing. Try again.

We love how insulted Bobby is when Rufus asks if he's got a cranial saw in the car. "Of course!"

Dean volunteers to be the first person to get zapped. "Are you sure?" Sam asks. "Hurry up before I start thinki..." Sam zaps Dean before he can even get the sentence out.

Rufus tries to avoid electrocution, saying he has a pacemaker.
Bobby: Since when do you got a pacemaker?
Rufus: Since Bush Junior term one. I'm down three toes too, FYI.
OK, we can imagine a Hunter-friendly doctor taking off toes, but inserting a pacemaker? Or did he go to a regular doc for that?

Bobby wakes up to discover he's taped to a chair. Dean looms over him.
Dean: Well, hey there you, little herpe.
Sam: Why do you keep talking about herpes?
Dean: What? I don't. [Sam looks skeptical.] Shut up. [Sam raises an eyebrow] Shut up!

OK, so we admit that we're sick puppies, but when the boys taped up Bobby's mouth in preparation for shocking Herpe out of existence, we couldn't help but think (1) there are plenty of other orifices he could escape from, unless THOSE were taped up, too, and (2) boy, it's going to suck for Bobby when all that duct tape gets ripped off, from everywhere.

Strangely, Bobby wasn't totally defoliated when we next saw him post shocking. Perhaps Hunters have a really good duct-tape-adhesive remover?

What did you think? Are you mourning Rufus? How about Gramps? Why did Dean keep talking about herpes? Do you buy the blanket absolution? And what the heck are we going to do until April when the show comes back?

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This week on America's Next Top Model we wrack our brains for clever uses of the word “bee” and the contestants try to bee-come one with the camera as they attempt to look bee-utiful during a bee-zarre photo shoot that scares the bee-jesus out of them.

Head-scratching moments
As we ease ourselves into the Cycle, it’s time for a little back story from the contestants. Most of them seem a little insecure…except for Alexandria who is secure enough for everyone. Ondrei has had two brothers who died—one in a car accident and the other was murdered, the day before her prom. The girls are shocked that she’s not more emotional about it.

Cheaties never prosper
The models are just kicking back at the house eating pizza and junk and fighting about the raw chicken in the fridge (hey, salmonella is a serious subject, people) when Tyra and her nutritionist, and all-around hottie, Heather Bauer, show up out of the blue. Naturally they’re dressed in ridiculously big chef hats and matching aprons and Tyra is speaking with a terrible French accent…cuz that’s what chefs do y’all. They teach the girls that foods that may seem bad for you but really aren’t are called “cheaties” and are okay to indulge in every now and again. They also learn that just because eggplant is a veggie doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good for you and peanut butter is a “good fat.”

Everybody’s an inner critic
For the challenge of the episode the girls arrive at the Colony Theatre in Burbank and they are met by Nigel and one of Hollywood’s leading acting coaches, Eugene Buica. Eugene is ready to conquer the contestants’ “inner critic,” and this crowd could use it. Except for Alexandria, who has an inner fan club.

Eugene asks the girls a series of questions and then has them draw a picture of their inner critic. Then each girl will join him on stage, he will take the drawing and will play said inner critic. They have to tell him to go away. Just about every model draws herself or some dark variation of herself. Ondrei opened up about her brothers and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. The exercise, though pretty painful, was a great lesson for the girls about how to dig deep. According to Jacklyn, “We went through heck.” They all did so well that J. Estina jewelers decided to give each and every one of them a pair of earrings from the collection.

Later, Ondrei calls her boyfriend back home and tells him that she’s had a rough day and she doesn’t know if she can take it. He assures her that whatever decision she makes they will all stand by her.

A bee-otch of a photo shoot
It’s over to the Smashbox Studios where the girls are met by Jay and it’s time for something drastic—a beauty shot with bees. Frankly, we'd be more frightened by the bad makeup for this particular shoot. The girls will be wearing jewelry, covered in pheromones that will attract the bees. Their job is to stay calm and trust their photographer. Oh, and look pretty.

The photographer, Mike Rosenthal, wants them to focus on the job and not what is going on around them. Cotton is jammed up their noses and into their ears so that the bees won't try to fly into any crevasses and/or holes. Considering all that could go wrong, the shoot goes as smooth as honey.

Bee afraid, bee very afraid
It’s panel time and we have to admit that this round of models knows how to look good before the judges. And we haven’t even had the makeover episode yet! Supermodel Alek Wek acts as guest judge this week. Ondrei is called up first and surprises everyone by announcing that she’s just not in a good place right now and doesn’t think she has the strength she needs to continue on with the contest. She asks to go home. The judges are surprised but understand, given the circumstances. They tell the remaining contestants that if Ondrei has the worst photo of the week then there will not be an elimination. But if it’s not at the bottom, someone else is going home, too.

Despite the fact that Hannah was a sobbing mess at the shoot, she gets best photo of the week and then the rest of the contestants feel like crying. Brittany gets second runner up and Nicole and Dalya end up at the bottom two. Nicole continually looks like an older version of herself in her photos. Then there’s Dalya who only had a good photo because she accidentally closed her eyes—the rest of them looked like a crazy person. They both pray that Ondrei has the worst photo of the evening, but it’s actually pretty stunning, so Nicole is sent packing. She thought she’d try something new, but soft works best for her. Sometimes fierce isn’t the way to go.

Posted by Jill at 11:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"I'm not signing anything until I get a toaster strudel."

First, the important news: One Tree Hill has moved from Ho Hos to toaster strudel. We were wondering what pastry-like product would be next on the list. Also, Haley cried wolf more than a few times in the service of making sure everyone was baby-ready, Julian and Brooke discovered they would be getting a kid sooner than they thought, Chuck found out he needs glasses, Millie discovered a talent for social commentary (and ripping off Mouth) and… oh, yeah, Nathan discovers the car that nearly killed Brooke and his son -- and it's in Ian Kellerman's garage.

Nathan and Clay and the Kellermans
Prof. Kellerman is as jerky as we remember, and he doesn't want Nate representing his kid. Whatever, prof… At least he's not letting his antipathy for Nathan affect his grades, as Nate gets an A- (given with bad grace, of course.)

The guys decide to give Ian a contract with a morals clause -- and dude, if the networks can't use that on Charlie Sheen, we're not entirely sure how it would work on Ian. Ian agrees to sign the contract if the boys beat him at beer pong. They do, and he signs, although we have no evidence that he's read the damn thing. WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE AND CONTRACTS IN THIS TOWN?!? Sigh.

But that's not the most shocking development. Nope, that comes when Nate, in a search for the bathroom during Ian's contract-signing party, stumbles across the car in the Kellerman garage. Yes, it's the car that nearly killed Brooke and Jamie. And yes, there's a booze bottle under the front seat. The only question is whether Ian or the prof was driving.

Read on for pregnancy hijinks, stolen rants, and more!

Nathan and Haley
Haley is going into labor any second now, and she wants to make sure everyone is ready. So she holds a series of drills, faking everyone into believing that she's going into labor as we speak. On the upside, she convinced Quinn that squeezing her into the back of a Stingray is a bad idea, which most likely comes in handy when the baby actually decides it's time -- at the very end of the episode. Sigh.

Brooke and Julian
Hey, did you hear? Brooke and Julian are getting a baby! Of course, a baby needs a baby's room, and that room needs a new paint job. Enchanted Forest or Soft Duckling? They're surprised by a visit from Chloe, who knows where their spare key is hidden. (This should be concerning to them.)

Chloe announces that the baby will come earlier than she expected, and then proceeds to mess with Brooke -- did I mention my boyfriend was in prison on drug charges? And that she travels by motorcycle? We're guessing this is her way of getting back at Brooke for lying, but it seems a little mean, you know? Huh. None of which really matters, of course, because by the end of the ep, Chloe has gone into labor. Get ready for baby Brulian!

Mouth and Millie, Chase and Chuck
Millie has her first assignment, which involves a chicken suit and a story about changing all the street signs in America. She steals Mouth's rant about the stupidity of the rule and the waste of money involved, which makes Jerry crazy -- she's not supposed to be doing commentary! Of course, people love it (someone at Tric asks for her autograph after ascertaining she is, indeed, the "angry chicken reporter") and of course, she gets promoted. She asks Mouth what else he's angry about. Sigh. OR, you could come up with your OWN words, Millie…

Chuck is sucking at baseball, and Chase figures out it might have something to do with his eyesight. He borrows Alex's secret eyeglasses (about which she's deeply ashamed… and THAT'S what she's embarrassed about? REALLY?) and, after initially laughing at him (smooth move, dude), convinces him that specs will improve his swing. This is one time when we don't mind Chuck socking Chase in the gut -- don't mock the 9-year-old about glasses, idiot.

Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
This was a goofy episode, from Quinn's toaster-strudel ditty to Clay's contemplation of the worst things you can be asked over the hone. Very odd.

Prof. Kellerman: Were you surprised by your A, Mr. Scott?
Nate: A minus. Were you?
Prof. Kellerman: I believe they invented the word "very" for moments such as these.
Nate: I will take that as a Dan Scott-like pat on the back, professor.

Clay debates whether to order pancakes or fajitas. We're with Nate -- how are those your choices? We understand liking both foods, but you tend to be in either a pancake mood or a fajita mood. Weird.

Julian: Clear your minds -- which is not hard, I know. You ready? Soft Duckling or Enchanted Forest?
Nate: Are you starting a band? Because I would go see Soft Duckling.
We… would not. Can you imagine a bunch of rockers coming on stage and roaring "Ladies and gentleman, WE ARE….. SOFT DUCKLING!" No. Just… no.

Haley tests Brooke on the hospital run:
Haley: My water broke
Brooke: Whoa. Leather seats. Hang on, I just have to get a towel.
Haley: I don't think there's time
Brooke: There's time.
Haley: The baby's coming!
Brooke: The baby is not coming. Just, clamp your knees together.
Haley: Clamp my knees together?
Brooke: Like you should have done nine months ago…

Nate and Clay are playing trash-can basket ball.
Haley: Nate, it's time
Nate: Yeah, ok, we're just going to finish this game.
Haley: The baby's coming right now.
Nate: Yeah, I know.
Haley: Clay?
Clay: Really exciting stuff, Hales, but if you could just force your knees together and hang in there, we're almost done. In fact, do you want winners?
Haley: I don't think you guys understand. I'm going to have the baby right here.
Nate: I don't think you understand -- Julian told us that you tricked him and Brooke. And Quinn.
Clay: Hey, look, it's a wolf! Now I'm the boy who cried wolf!
Haley: Hah. Yeah, it's true I did trick them. But right now it's not a trick, and we actually have to go to the hospital.
Nate: You serious?
Clay: Like right now right now?
Haley: Just kidding. Wolf!
Haley, this is how people end up giving birth in their bathroom, or in a taxi. Quit messing with the people who will drive you to the hospital!

The show's on hiatus until April 19. That means Chloe and Haley are in for eight weeks of labor. Ouch.

What did you think? Are you excited to meet the new babies? Were you surprised by the car reveal? Can you imagine being torn between pancakes and fajitas? And which would you choose -- Enchanted Forest, Soft Duckling, or Paint It Peyton Black?

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It’s all about the dads this week on Hellcats. Well, there’s a couple of story lines that include dads, which we’ll get to shortly, but we’re more interested in what kind of love connection may or may not have happened between Lewis and Nasty Cathy!

Never trust a band called Werewolf versus Unicorn
Everyone is gearing up for Nationals and it’s of the utmost importance to have good tunes for the big routine. So, Alice scored an “exclusive and unique song” from a local band called Werewolf versus Unicorn (from here on out to be known as W vs. U). It’s all back flips and round-offs until they discover that, due to an illegal diet supplement snafu on Burlington’s part, they’re out of Nationals and the Cyclones are in—and they just happen to be using the same W vs. U song that the Hellcats are using!

Always up for a good confrontation, Alice heads to the bar where W vs. U is playing that evening. Naturally, Nasty Cathy is there in hopes of her own war of words and charms Lewis while Alice is in the potty. They hit it off until she realizes that he’s a Hellcat.

It appears that two different members of the band gave each squad exclusive permission to use their song. They don’t care about the politics of cheer but they do like the pom poms. So they tell the girls to arrive after the set, in uniform, and they can have a “cheer off” for the right to the tune. Why each squad would agree to reveal their moves to each other so early just for a song is beyond us, but they do—and the routines look remarkably similar to us. But when all is said and done it’s abundantly clear that W vs. U are a rare collection of rude jackasses. So no one uses the song. However, as they leave the venue, Nasty Cathy gives Lewis her phone number as Alice looks on with genuine disgust.

Charlotte’s baby daddy revealed
During an argument with Savannah, Nasty Cathy accidentally spits out that Charlotte got knocked up by Savannah’s ex, Noah. Turns out that Savannah disappointed him at the auction date. So he came over, tapped on Charlotte’s window and had himself a little booty call. Always the quality buttinski, Savannah meets Noah for drinks and asks him if he loves Charlotte. Nope, he loves her. He never stopped loving her and he never will. But if she tells him to marry Charlotte he will. Don’t count on it.

After a bit of a tussle with her sister, Charlotte breaks off the engagement and of course, Mom comes to pay a visit to Savannah. She actually comes to thank Savannah—she told Charlotte what she didn’t have the courage to say. That the marriage was doomed from the get-go. Wow, it’s about time that Savannah gets some respect around here!

Rex, Wanda’s extinct baby daddy
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, since he’s shacking up with Wanda these days, Travis runs across a stack of songs that were written by Marti’s dad. Classic Wanda—she won’t discuss the man with her daughter, but is happy to chat Travis up about the guy. Wanda tells Marti that Rex was a bad guy and she already knows all she ever needs to know about the man. Later, Marti cries to Dan about her lack of fatherly information. But he’s got his own issues. In a moment of vocational insecurity, Dan applied to Lancer last year and he just got accepted. He’s in at the school but not the film department, which will take some doing. We smell film project.

So later, while Travis and Wanda are out, Marti breaks out a box of the old man’s belongings. She puts on his old hat and looks through photos and plays some of his songs and we doubt that she learns any more than she knew before. But it makes for a nice montage.

Seeing Red
Vanessa and Red have drinks together and she tells her ex/soon-to-be-new-beau that she refuses to be the heartbreaker, the bitch, the slut—and she’s not ready for any PDA. But Red’s delayed a lot of happiness and waited a lot of years and he doesn’t want to wait anymore. However, she’s ashamed and sad that she hurt Derrick and doesn’t want to be the gal who jumps right into the arms of another. But the next morning, after another heart-to-heart…and yet another coffee (can’t that Red think of a new excuse to come visit her offices?) she throws caution to the wind and sleeps with him in her office.

What will we do until April 19?
With so much going on, we can’t imagine how insane our favorite show will be when it returns on April 19. What are you hoping to see happen with Charlotte and her baby? How will Savannah and Dan pick up where they left off? What will Marti do with all her free time now that she got Travis out of the pen? And does she miss that dorky Morgan? What do you see happening for the rest of the season? Tell us in the comments!

Posted by Jill at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!

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Brooke gets unrighteously angry at her friends after her lies (and lies of omission) are exposed, but she STILL gets a kid. Only on One Tree Hill, folks... Granted, it helps when you've got someone giving you a toast that starts off with "Thanks for saving my kid's life..."  Hard to argue against that one.

In other news, Julian chases butterflies and is adorable, Jamie dominates baseball and is adorable, Haley geeks out over Little League and is adorable, Ian Kellerman bonds with Jamie and is adorable less objectionable, and Clay and Quinn find Coma Grove, which is just plain perplexing. However, Darcel and I come up with some decent business plans, so not all is lost...

Listen to our One Tree Hill podcast for "I Think I'm Going to Like It Here" and tell us what you think in the comments!

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Ignore the crab, Dan. IGNORE THE CRAB!

A very wise crab named Sebastian once told us to “kiss the girl” to uncover our true feelings. Surely it’s been a while since Dan hit play on a copy of Disney’s ‘The Little Mermaid,” but he’s taking the sentiment to heart. After secretly cavorting around with Blair under the guise of “just friends” and discussing the matter over with Rufus, Dan decides locking lips is the best way to find out if there’s something more between the two former foes. While Dan and Blair examined their emotions, one parent regained the respect of her children (Lily), while another lost the trust and admiration of his sole progeny (Thorpe) on this week’s episode of Gossip Girl.

Artfully utilizing a flashback technique, we learned of Lilly’s grim future right at the start and spent the next hour fitting the pieces together. Thorpe managed to convince Ben’s mother to deliver Lily’s affidavit to him so he could blackmail both Lily and Chuck into signing over all of Bass Industries to him lest the authorities be alerted to Lily’s crime. Chuck astutely stashed Raina in another room to overhear her father lay out his mischievous plan. Here are some other thoughts:

Best message: It didn’t hold the same horrific connotations as finding a horse’s head in your bed, but sending Lily an orange jumpsuit along with her cleaning signaled a certain amount of menace.

Most self-absorbed: Blair and Dan think their friendship or whatever it is will cut down those close to them like a sudden, incurable illness or an earthquake. A Blair and Dan alliance will not reverse the order of the natural world.

Biggest loser: Ben won’t return Serena’s post-coital phone calls because his mother is in town and he slips and tells her where Serena hid the incriminating affidavit. Ben needs to grow a pair.

Most pushy: Getting along with your boyfriend’s mom takes finesse and even a few years of gradual steps to win her heart. And that’s just in normal situations where the girl didn’t put her son in prison. Serena wants to immediately give Ben’s mom a big, ol’ figurative hug. In inviting her to Serena’s house for an ill-fated lunch, she just gave the revenge-seeking mama a straight path to the affidavit.

Can’t take a hint: Vanessa will stop at nothing to win back the affection of her former friends. While her Intel might be spot on, it still didn’t prove Ben’s responsibility in tipping off Thorpe.

Continue reading to find out the episode's biggest surprise.

Weirdest spot to hang out: Why is Dan laying across Blair’s bed while they talk? Is there not a living room he can wait in until she’s ready? It’s hard to claim “plausible deniability” when the guy in question knows what color sheets you use.

Most ridiculed: Nate has a good heart, he’s constantly there for his friends when they need him and he tries his best not to stab people in the back. Yet, everyone views him as if he’s just a dumb blond in a tight-fitting dress. Raina gives him a backhanded compliment when she says he’s smarter than he looks. Gee, thanks.

Best line: “Bass Industries isn’t his legacy, Charles. You are.” Lily sure has a way with words.

Least surprising: Ben needs to figure things out AFTER he sleeps with Serena. How convenient.

Biggest surprise: Lily turns herself in to the authorities followed by Billy Baldwin showing his mug again.

Biggest disappointment: Just when you thought Bart Bass left his son in a good place, we find out he’s responsible for the death of Raina’s mother.

What did you think? Are you sad Serena and Ben cut ties? What did you think of the big kiss?

Posted by Janine Schaults at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

You know your teen drama isn't worthy of prime time unless some serious scheming is involved, and the adolescents on 90210 are catching up with the plotters on Gossip Girl this week. That, dear readers, is what you call impressive.

It seems that everyone has a plan, either for themselves or someone else. Well, except for Ivy. She just likes drawing tokin' unicorns, which we have to admit was pretty awesome. We would have been giggling out loud in class too, passing period bowl or no bowl.

Looks like those acting classes do come in handy
Once again, we have to hand it to the Obligatory Man in the Room. He called the Plan: Scheme Emily from the first minute Liam was showing a soft-spot for her. OMITR then continued to yell "IT'S A PLOT!" every time Emily was on screen, but we digress.

Kudos to Annie for pulling off a rather believable attitude of contrition, even in the presence of her succubus cousin. We would have been unable to restrain ourselves from instigating Lunchroom Smackdown: The Sequel, or, at the very least, acting very snooty.

In the end, Liam and Annie trick Emily into tearing the West Bev girls to shreds with her tongue...right in front of them. But again, we're a little disappointed in Naomi, Silver and Ade: First, we would have heard Annie out to begin with, because we've been here before and second, after seeing that both Emily and Annie use scheming to get what they want, we would have peaced out real quick. That's just too much crazy in one family.

Read on for Snoop Dogg and some creepy acts of romance

Please, Pandora is way more than seven light-years away
Still going along with that "I'm everyone's type" party line, Naomi tries time and again to reel Max in using her body, finally resorting to her trenchcoat flasher move. At this point we'd have to call shenanigans on Max's iron will -- straight teenage boys would have a hard time resisting any woman in black lingerie, even if they do think said unclothed lady is shallow and mean, but then we wouldn't have seen Naomi's last-ditch effort.

Can we first start by saying that we attended Comic-Con this year and nothing there was more terrifying than Naomi's green-yellow contacts? Because now whenever we look at Na'vi Naomi all we see is Darth Maul. Not cool.

Max's friends at the movie theater are equally unimpressed and proceed to humiliate poor blue Naomi in front of everyone. You know how you feel "naked" when you're embarrassed in front of a lot of people? Well, Naomi had it worse, because she practically was naked, aside from the body paint. At least she has the abs to pull it off. And she finally swayed Max, who can see that she's not such a snob if she's willing to go the cosplay route to snag her nerdy crush.

Playing grown-up
With the ball rolling merrily along at Shirazi 2.0, Navid officially hires Dixon and sends him to get the Ferrari detailed for a client meeting later that day. When Dixon pulls the car into the dealership, who should he meet but Snoop Dogg, also waiting on his baby's wax job. The two hit it off in a dorky, endearing way and Snoop offers to take Dix for a spin with his new record on the stereo. Somehow, we think picking up a random clingy high school kid and driving him around Los Angeles would be something Snoop would do. He just rubs us that way.

Meanwhile, Navid has to take out his potential client in his mom's minivan, since Dixon isn't answering his phone. Needless to say, he loses that business and he has a few choice words to say to Dixon when he gets back. But Dixon has the perfect counter-attack: He signed Snoop Dogg on as a client. Still, you could have sent a text and been a bit more professional, Dix. Also, we are SO SURE Alotta Fagina Mrs. Shirazi drives a minivan. She would at least have a Land Rover.

The drugs don't work
Meanwhile, Ivy is on the opposite end of the productivity spectrum, shunning schoolwork and class to go skate and get stoned with Raj. Raj is understandably concerned that he's a bad influence, and the two get into a tiff when Raj hears a disconcerting voicemail from Mr. Matthews, calling Laurel about Ivy's work (REALITY, people! Matthews would never leave all that in a message. He would simply ask Laurel to give him a call. Geez).

Ivy decides that Raj is right and goes to make up with him on her lunch hour. Instead, she gets more than she wants to hear when Raj tells her that the weed really is medication -- it helps with side-effects of chemotherapy. The reason Raj is always living life to the fullest is he has leukemia, and he's not getting better.

Hell freezes over
...because Ade outwits someone. As much as we dislike Emily, we thought she was kind of spot-on about Ade's intellectual capacities. Apparently we were wrong.

After telling Naomi and Silver that Lila is the one who hooked up with Navid, Ade threatens to ruin the poor girl's life by sending out a mass text of Lila naked in the locker room. This sends Silver to her guilt-ridden breaking point, and she confesses to Ade. Ade coolly admits that she knows, and instead sends out a similar photo of Silver. Didn't we use this plot point already with Annie? Oh well, it's the digital age, we guess...

All in all, we liked this episode. It wasn't the typical break-neck speed we've come to expect from 90210, and it still managed not to be boring. What did ya'll think? Will Shirazi 2.0 be successful, or will Navid and Dixon's egos get in the way? Were you onto Annie and Liam's scheme? Are you equally shocked Ade was able to think a few steps ahead of Silver? Do you fear you'll never be able to sleep again with that image of Na'vi Naomi seared on your brain? Tell us in the comments!

Notes n' Quotes

Naomi: I wasn't even bored and I hate old plays! You people talk funny.

Naomi: Time to get my math on.

Dixon: Thanks, boss.
Navid: Please, call me Mr. Shirazi.

Raj: How was your day?
Ivy: I could tell you about it but I don't want you to fall asleep at the wheel.

Silver: Did you know women in this country didn't have the right to vote until 1920?
Naomi: They also didn't have to wax.
(Also, Silver, everyone knows that. You're supposed to be the smart one.)

Silver: I once dressed up like Princess Leia for Halloween.
Naomi: Really? Did the guys like it?
Silver: I guess. I was ten, everyone liked it.

Navid: Will you take the Ferrari to get detailed?
Dixon: I love my job.

Dixon: I'm a big fan, huge, kind of obsessed, really...but in a healthy way.

Nerd #2: Pretty sure Pandora is about seven light years that way...

Emily: I just realized that living with my grandmother in Arkansas is a better situation.

Final Thoughts

• Okay, we know Ade's reasoning about Lila was just a ruse, but it was so absurdly nonsensical that it still angered us. First of all, Lila was never your friend, she was Navid's friend. Bitch doesn't owe you anything. Secondly, she's not "apparently" a bad person. That would mean you have proof. Oh, and know everything else about her. Which you don't, even though you claim to be her friend and never hang out with her.
  
• Where were the cameras here?? Silver confessing her guilt was reality show GOLD.
  
• We're not sure if Gillian Zinser has a stunt double, but how cool would it be if that was really her throwing tricks?
  
• You don't agree that you're going to keep your relationship on the "down low" and then proceed to make out in the middle of Beverly Hills while one of you is bright blue and half naked. Just sayin'.

  Posted by Lindsey Reiser at 9:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)